Are you tired of your new hires sticking around too long? Looking for a surefire way to send them packing in record time? Look no further! Here’s your tongue-in-cheek, sarcastic guide to losing a new hire in just 10 days.
Day One: Skip the Orientation
Why waste time with formal orientation or training? Let your new hires figure everything out on their own. It’s a great way to make them feel isolated and unworthy of your time from the get-go.
Day Two: Confuse the Job Description
Make sure the original job posting, the written job description, and all verbal job expectations are vastly different and have no correlation. Confusion is key to early disengagement!
Day Three: Poor Timing
Have your new hire start on the first day of their immediate supervisor’s two-week holiday. Promoting bad communication from day one sets the perfect tone for their tenure.
Day Four: Micromanage or Ignore
Choose between micromanagement or total neglect. Whichever you pick, ensure they know their place in the hierarchy. Balance is overrated, after all.
Day Five: Backhanded Compliments
Prepare daily backhanded compliments and maintain an unwelcoming attitude. A toxic work environment is essential for rapid turnover.
Day Six: Overwhelm with Work
Fill their email to the brim with an overwhelming amount of tasks that no one could complete in a 40-hour week. Watch them crumble under the pressure!
Day Seven: Approval Nightmares
Create a process with five different levels of approval for any resources needed for their job. To add a twist, put a bug in the final level that takes them in a loop. Frustration guaranteed.
Day Eight: Social Exclusion
Conveniently forget to invite your new hire to most meetings and all social events. Ensuring they have no idea what’s happening and feel more isolated each day is a brilliant strategy.
Day Nine: Ignore Work-Life Balance
Make it clear that work is the only thing that matters. Family, kids, or any personal life should be frowned upon and never prioritized over work. It’s a classic move to drive them away.
Day Ten: No Growth Opportunities
Create an environment where the new hire sees no room for growth or development. This will help solidify their feelings of disengagement and dissatisfaction early on.
By following these ten steps, you can guarantee that your new hire will be out the door in no time. Remember, it’s all about creating the worst possible environment to make them leave as quickly as possible. Happy turnover!
This is freaking hilarious.. what the heck. So that was what one company many ions ago was doing to me. ok... I go their number now.. : )
anyway, this was good.